Horror Hating

Having lived through The Blair Witch, I am not one for found-footage movies. (Let’s be clear, I hated it as much then as I do now.) I’ve seen this one floating around and may have even started it at some point. My issue with this movie, like so many others, is that the first 45 minutes of the movie is just fucking nonsense. I was bored and therefore tuned out so by the time they got to all the creepy clown dolls moving everywhere, I really gave no shits. For me, I don’t watch horror movies for the scares. There’s a satire I like to it – in the good…

Because I have no shame, I'm just going to say it: I LOVE Adam Sandler.

Watching Willy’s Wonderland put me in a Nic Cage mood. I watched Con Air next, because Buscemi is an added bonus, in which Nic Cage has a terrible southern accent. And then, I figured, why NOT watch Ghost Rider? My dad liked it… My first thought is, why does what’s her face’s younger self actually look like her, whereas Cage’s is…much beefier than the younger Nic Cage we all knew in the ’80s. Much more chiseled. And Peter Fonda? Maybe this was a favor to Cage’s uncle. But Cage does that crazy burning guy really well. So, like, Ghost Rider’s thing is that he points at people? And Rebel Wilson??…

I hate it when good celebrities make bad, stereotypical movies. Jokes about weight. Being a woman superhero. Nerd jokes. Your basic male-directed buddy comedy. There was even an opportunity for a lesson – one spent her life being a ’80s slob and the other the perfect student who goes off to finish her parents work (the making of a superhero to fight…evil?). Even her daughter – 14 – graduated Stanford at 13 and is now working. No life. They mention the problem but then leave it alone. Jason Bateman, god love him, is a mutated human crab. He has crab arms with pinschers. And omg. He only crabwalks out of…

Of course I'm going to pay $19.99 + tax to watch Nic Cage not say a word. He stares and grunts (you can actually tell, from the grunt, that it's Nic Cage) and kicks ass but doesn't say a damn word.

You know, I can understand the need for revenge. But this was fucking stupid. She had a CLEAN getaway. A clean getaway. Not shitting you. And she went back just to suicide-kill her! NOOOOOOOOOOOO. You get that bitch to rot in jail! But I guess in her eyes it was worth it. In mine? Not unless you like watching someone get bloodied in the woods by a maniac who’s her SO and then saves herself only to die. So.

I asked my 5-year-old why she wasn’t interested in finishing the brand-new Mulan, it’s “because they didn’t have any songs.” Which is great for this parent, who enjoys a good female hero without all the forced singing. I’m also a HUGE Jet Li fan. (I prefer Jackie Chan over Donny Yen, but Yen isn’t a bad swap.) J has always been a fan of kung fu movies, and we’ve watched a lot of them over the years. Those who appreciate that genre will be pleasantly surprised to find lots of those elements here – from the masters themselves. Mulan is my kind of princess: she isn’t. I love this story…

Skipping around the list a little bit because some of these movies made me need to STOP watching for a while. What the fuck, horror community?! If I’m going to watch something that makes me stop watching shit for a while…it better be by conscious choice. Horror movies are a relief for me; it’s a chance to get far, far away from reality. I mean, I’m already depressive, WHY MAKE IT WORSE? So you may see me just say “FUCK IT” and cancel a movie. I don’t need to be that committed to this list. #18 Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark Second time I’ve watched this one; I’m…