Cabin in the Woods: One of the best horror comedies EVER

The Cabin in the Woods fits into my top favorite horror movies. Part parody, homage, and satire, this movie uses classic horror tropes and even other movie monsters to create a one-of-a-kind masterpiece. New viewers will want to skip reading reviews before watching – go into this cold the first time. You won’t be disappointed.

TLDR; Summary

Five college kids take a vacation to an Evil Dead cabin and choose their own death.

The Whole Story with Spoilers

• Like most movies that try to hide something, the first part of this movie is divided between two seemingly disparate stories. We have a workplace that seems to be underground—coworkers Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins are having a conversation around a vending machine, talking about some kind of bet with other countries. And then we’ve got a set of college students heading out on a road trip.
• We meet the college kids: final girl, Dana; the slut, Jules. Dumb jock, Curt, played by dumb jock, Chris Hemsworth (none of them are dumb, actually). Jesse Williams, or Holden, the black friend. And the absurdly stoner guy, Marty – such a stoner, he’s invented his own coffee mug slash walking stick slash bong. They’re taking an RV to someone’s relative’s cabin, mirroring the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies – in fact, the gas station attendant at the off-the-beaten-path gas station they pull into is from Texas Chainsaw (the new one). But then they pull into the cabin – after traveling through a tunnel with some kind of forcefield? – and we’re firmly in Evil Dead territory.
• The kids explore the weird shit that hangs around the cabin – bloody paintings, a creepy mirror that sees in only one way. The mirror is a segue into learning they’re being watched by the old corporate dudes…it’s a whole operation! We learn Mordecai – the Chainsaw guy – is actually in on it (there’s a hilarious speakerphone bit here). He talks about the Ancient Ones, a term that means little until it’s explained later. The people running this underground lab are running a big betting pool. “We just get them in the cellar. They take it from there.” What?! The plot is unraveling – they’re making some kind of choice of their own free will so they can be punished?
• Meanwhile, back at the cabin, the party has started. They’re playing truth or dare, because what else would they be playing? As Dana opts for “dare,” the cellar door flings open, and she’s dared to go downstairs. Like so many creepy basements in horror movies, it has a ton of old items in it, many of them homages to other horror moves. Creepy girl painting, wedding dresses, conches, Hellraiser ball, jewelry box with ballerina…which one will get picked?! It’s the diary of Anna Patience Buckner selected by Dana, the Latin she reads is a trigger. A trigger to unleash the undead Buckners who are buried outside the cabin in the woods.
• Back at the compound, maintenance wins the monster pool. We’re shown another series of TV screens with security camera footage in other countries – this very same choose-your-own-horror adventure is happening all over the globe.
• Funny that the stoner is the one who picks up on what’s going on. Hemsworth is acting like a dumb jock, the girl is acting like a dumb blonde…completely contrary to who they are normally. They are crazy horny and running around in the woods – cue foreboding music (as the underground watches on). We realize the underground can control shit – in this case, they’re turning on pheromones (because they need more sex drive??). But I guess, in order to fulfill whatever it is they’re doing, they need Jules to complete the horror trope of taking her top off before she gets slaughtered. Two college kids down – their blood starts to trickle into the machine in the underground. These are Gods we’re dealing with.
• Hemsworth didn’t actually die, so he ran back to the cabin to warn everyone. One of the Buckners was so nice to bring the blonde’s head back to them. Liam starts talking about sticking together, but the underground pushes a button, and some other gas convinces them to split up. Stoner trips over a table and finds a tiny hidden camera making him think he’s on a reality TV show. A Buckner pops out of a window to murder him, but Dana manages to kill one of the Buckners, and they make it out of the cabin into the RV.
• Meanwhile, in Japan, a class of little girls banish the evil (who looks like the girl from The Ring) with some banishing spell. Zero fatalities. None of the other countries have been able to kill their prey. Looks like America is the last hope – they can’t let the “ancients rise.” But someone left the tunnel open for the college kids to escape. The underground rallies to blow up the tunnel and is able to do it…with the RV in it. The kids escape and think they’re stranded. Jock Hemsworth brings out the dirt bike he was hiding to jump some sort of ravine, but he dies smashing into a Wakanda-like forcefield. Jesse Williams and Redhead are driving away, but there’s a Buckner waiting in the RV. Bye, Jesse! Redhead ends up in the lake and battling to the death with a Buckner.
• The underground is already celebrating. Too soon, as it turns out. Stoner is still alive! He saves Redhead just as she is about to get it on the dock. Marty found an underground lair of sorts – not one he was supposed to find. This is my favorite part – they end up in a box a la 13 Ghosts. Each cell has a different monster, and there are thousands. Werewolf, a creepy ghost with no nose, a ballerina with rows of teeth for a face, one of the guys from Hellraiser (the guy with saw blades through his head)…you even see Pennywise and the twins from The Shining.
• We’re back to the underground. They want to kill the fool first (the stoner) – there’s an order, and the redhead is just the bonus. Somehow, one of the Buckner limbs grabs the security guard as he tries to contain the two college kids, who are now roaming the hallways of the underground. If you listen closely during this part, you might recognize the voice overhead…it’s a famous one. She’s explaining the Ancient Ones. There’s a pretty great shootout scene between the SWAT team and the monsters who come out in waves as the two kids press a lot of buttons. The monsters have invaded the underground, and they can’t stop them. Some great kill scenes – Whitford gets killed by the merman, which he bet on, but Richard Jenkins gets it from Dana. BOOM!
• Finally, we’re fully informed of what’s happening. The two survivors walk into a cave with bloody glyphs (hello, Indiana Jones?). It’s an altar, and Sigourney Weaver is the God. Okay, she’s not, but she’s the head of this organization. Dana puts it all together before Sigourney makes her cameo. Now we get the explanation – the whore, the athlete, the scholar, the fool…leaving the virgin to live or die (she’s not a virgin though). So, the fool dies or the world dies. Dana is about to kill him, but a werewolf attacks her instead. Sigourney tussles with the stoner, but here comes that Buckner girl. Bye, Sigourney! Into the abyss you go. But the Gods are angry now. The Titans emerge, the end.

Horror Hating

• I remember watching this movie for the first time and thinking…how campy is this movie gonna be? It took me till they got to the cabin to realize it was a satire/parody.
• There are a lot of hilarious quips and scenes in this movie – it’s really smart and well done.
• Sigourney Weaver > Bill Murray for best surprise cameo. She came as a shock to me the first time around.
• So many horror crossovers. How many did you spot?
• Is anyone excited there’s a movie coming out about the ballerina character??