It II: My literary heart can’t handle this shit

Spoilers. Not that it matters…

I saw this in theaters BEFORE. And I fucking hated it. I really did NOT want to watch this movie again. So much so, I was hoping I’d have to pay for it and be able to excuse myself from watching it again.

The problem is that I can’t see It without comparing it to the book (which is in my top 5 all-time). I also have a soft-spot for the made-for-TV movie version of It. (Seth Green? Tim Curry? John Ritter? John-Boy from the Waltons?!)

The remake wants to scare you with new effects and drawn-out monster scenes intended to make you cover your eyes or scream out loud. Most of these things are done for effect and not for the story. It would be one thing to do that in 90 minutes, but instead, I gotta sit there for three hours. The final scene lasts 45 minutes.

So many scenes/characters/storylines are interchanged here. And not only do they take the TV miniseries’ leftovers, but they also make shit up: the little kid from the present timeline, the whole Funhouse scene, Stan’s ceremony. Were there not enough scary scenes in King’s 1,000+ page book to grab from?

That peyote trip was a scene mentioned in one of Hanlon’s diary entries – a minor part in the book. And The Ritual of Chud? I mean, it was pretty weird, even in the book.

There’s no Audra. Bev’s husband doesn’t go looking for her. What the fuck is all this sand-sucking in the hotel? Stan kills himself? Everyone still remembers at the end?! And they fucking kill It by yelling “clown” at it until It shrivels up into a tiny baby pancake clown and dies. Yeah, that’s the fucking end of It.

What pissed me off the most is the timeline. The movies were supposed to be split up into kids and adults. The issue is that you can’t really tell the kid’s story before you tell the adults story. The stories are parallel – that’s why the timelines intertwine; otherwise, you’re telling the same fucking story. But you know, fine. Let’s see how it works out. I like Bill Hader…

No! Most of the movie is comprised of flashbacks anyway! I paid good money to see Bill Hader make hilarious jokes!

Can you tell how much I loathed this movie? I wonder if this holds up with someone who’s never read the book. Someone will have to tell me.

Recommended for people who have never read It by Stephen King, and folks who don’t mind over-the-top CGI and clowns.